"My Twin Sister"

Written by Jaime Martin

On the surface, Jennifer and I were like any other set of fraternal twins growing up. Our mother often dressed us alike. We always shared our birthday cake and we enjoyed doing certain things with each other such as watching television, going to the movies or shopping. However, we did not attend the same classes, have the same friends, double date or play sports together. The reality was that we were unlike any other set of twins I knew and we didn’t “do what twins were supposed to do.” This is because Jennifer was born with mental retardation. As a result, Jennifer has always been more like a little sister than a twin, although technically she was born before me (and often remind me of this!)

Because we were twins, Jennifer always wanted to do what I was doing, and I always tried to include her. It was difficult when I got to do things that Jennifer couldn’t. For example, Jennifer wouldn’t drive in the car with me when I first got my drivers’ license. After all, we were twins and if I had my license she should, too. It was very hard for her to understand why she couldn’t do everything I could. We faced the same challenges when I went away to college, and I’m sure we will face them again as I get married and have children. Those plans are also in Jennifer’s dreams, but unfortunately they will probably never come true for her.

While there were, and continue to be, difficult times in growing up with Jennifer, I can’t imagine how my life would be if she had been born “normal”. So much of who I have become is because of who Jennifer is. Everything from who my friends are, where I live and whom I date is a reflection of having Jennifer in my life. I’ve always been very close with Jennifer and also a bit protective. As a result, I tend to be very selective in who I choose to associate with. My friends and boyfriend must accept Jennifer and be willing to spend time with her. Jennifer and I spend at least one day a week with each other. We often go to movies, the pool or shopping. If there is ever a festival going on, you will often find Jennifer and I there along with my boyfriend. If I have a party, my parents will bring Jennifer and you will notice my friends making an effort to talk with Jennifer at my parties so that I never have to worry that she doesn’t feel included.

Over the years Jennifer has grown very independent and involved in her own activities. She is involved in day and evening programs that fill her weekly calendar. On occasion I will accompany her to an event. It is refreshing to see her interact with adults of similar disabilities and know that she is accepted and can have a sense of “belonging.” While I like to spend time with her and include her in activities with my friends, it is nice to know that she doesn’t always need me. When I am needed, though, I want to be there for her and know that she doesn’t always need me. When I am needed, I want to be there for her and know that those around me will understand whatever compromises have to be made to accommodate Jennifer.

I don’t know what the future holds for Jennifer or me. What I do know is that I have always felt a sort of obligation to her. I place this obligation on myself because she is my twin and I can’t imagine life any other way. While I like to think that it is Jennifer who needs me, I know that I need her too. I would not do well having her far out of my reach. Moving is not an option for Jennifer because she would lose all of her support. Therefore, I’ve made the conscious decision that my home is where her home is and moving is not an option for me either. I don’t consider this a sacrifice of any kind, but I do know this has placed limitation on my own expansion both in the work place and in my personal life. It does become a sacrifice for whomever I marry because Jennifer comes along with the package and his life will also have to be confined to where Jennifer lives. In a way, it is a true test of love, my “Jennifer test” as I like to call it. If someone is not willing to accept me, accept Jennifer, and accept the situation at hand then that person is not someone I’d want to be with anyway.

Growing up I had dreams about my twin and I each getting married and having kids. And I dreamt about our kids being best friends with each other. Now I am grown up and I still dream about getting married and having kids. I know that other part of my dream will never come true. Instead, I now dream about my kids and husband being best friends with my twin. I dream that we will grow old together. I dream that I am always there for her and she is always there for me. I have these dreams because she is my twin and that is what it means to be a twin for Jennifer and me.